The Final Chapter
by TVjas
Summary: Occurs after 47 seconds - an alternative storyline after Rick discovers that Kate lied to him and believes she doesn't love him. I removed the final 2 chapters because I felt they didn't go with the rest of the story
1. Chapter 1

Beckett stole a glance at Castle. He was actually here today, standing there looking at the murder board. It had been almost 2 weeks since he had started pulling away from her. He was coming in later and taking longer lunches and some days not coming in at all. She still texted him when they got a body, but he only occasionally came to the crime scenes. He no longer brought her coffee. She definitely missed the coffee, but more than that she missed the Castle that she knew. This Castle would keep his distance from her, eye her warily. His eyes used to dance with humor, warmth, and mischief. Now they seemed dull.

They would still spin theory together and occasionally finish each other sentences, but that seemed to annoy him now. He was just so different and it had happened so suddenly. She had surely done something wrong. She tried to review every conversation they had had leading up to his change in behavior. The only thing she could even remotely think of was when he started talking seriously to her about missed opportunities the bombing victims had and how he didn't want that to happen. Then Ryan had interrupted. Maybe she should have told Ryan to wait a minute so Castle could finish saying what he wanted to say. It seemed that it was shortly after that that Castle changed, but she really couldn't recall when she first noticed a difference. He surely couldn't be that mad that she didn't allow him to finish his thought.

Beckett walked over to the board and stood next to Castle. "You see anything?"

"Huh? Oh, no nothing is fitting together," Castle said almost absent mindedly. He took a small step away from her as though she had invaded his space. Beckett noticed him shift away. It was hurtful, like he couldn't stand to be near her. He rarely even sat in his chair by her desk anymore.

"Usually you would at least have a wild theory to spin by now," Beckett said.

Castle looked at her with cool eyes. "Sorry," was all he said.

"Castle, you're just not yourself anymore, are you all right?" Beckett asked her brow furrowed with concern.

Castle gave a little shrug, "I'm great," he said without conviction. He grabbed his coffee cup. "I need more coffee." He started to walk towards the breakroom. He was miserable. He had told his mother he could work with Beckett. It had worked for the rest of the bombing case, but every case was getting harder and harder to do. He felt like his insides were in shreds. It was more difficult to keep up any kind of a pretense. He was drinking a lot at night and it was taking its toll. He still came into the precinct because he so wanted to see her. Then he would see her and his heart felt like there was a vise on it knowing that the woman he loved didn't feel the same. He knew something was going to have to change. He just couldn't wrap his mind around a solution.

As Castle returned from the break room, Gates stepped to her doorway. "Mr. Castle, may I see you please?"

Castle was a little surprised but walked toward her. She motioned him into her office and shut the door. Beckett, Esposito, and Ryan all exchanged glances. Whatever was going on surely couldn't be good.

Gates sat down behind her desk. "What is wrong with you?" She asked almost accusingly.

Castle was really surprised. "I don't know what you mean," he answered.

"OK, I don't know what is going on with you and frankly I don't care, but whatever it is, it's affecting my team. I haven't heard you contribute much to a case for at least a week. Whenever I walk out there the whole atmosphere is tense. Everyone is trying to pretend that everything is OK, but obviously it's not. I was never pleased to have you on this team, but I have seen the value that you added. All that has changed. You are now a detriment to my team. I want you to go home. If you can fix whatever your issues are, I will entertain taking you back, but in the meantime we have work to do."

Castle had sat with his eyes trained at the floor. He dragged his hand through his hair then looked up at her, defeat written all over his face. "I understand," he said quietly as he stood to leave. Gates was now surprised. She was braced for his arguments and threats of going to the mayor. This was a man who had a comeback for everything and could hardly go for 10 minutes without cracking a joke. Her eyes narrowed as she wondered just what had changed in his life.

Castle emerged from Gates office aware of the eyes that were on him. He walked over to where Beckett still stood by the murder board. His eyes couldn't meet hers. "Gates is finally kicking me out," he said. "She thinks I'm harming the team. I – I guess she's right."

"Castle, no. That's far from the truth. I'll talk to her or maybe the mayor…" Castle cut her off.

"No we all knew this would happen one day. She never wanted me on the team. I can't fight it anymore." He faced rejection in every direction at the precinct. Even the boys were acting funny around him although he knew it was because of how he was treating Beckett. He wasn't trying to make her miserable but he knew he was. He finally looked Beckett in the eyes. "Goodbye, Kate," he said, a small smile touching his lips but nothing but sadness and regret in his eyes. He turned and walked toward the elevator.

Kate was stunned. She wanted to run after him. She wanted to go give Gates a piece of her mind. She stood there instead staring at the murder board, but not really seeing it. Castle's goodbye had sounded so final. Surely he didn't plan to never see her again. They were friends. They were more than friends!

She tried to take a breath but it was shaky. She closed her eyes for a minute to push down the emotions that threatened to overtake her. She focused on the murder board. She had a job to do. She would have to think about everything else later.


	2. Chapter 2

Castle returned to his loft. He went to his office and sat behind the desk, his head in his hands. Maybe fate had intervened when he was unable to figure out what to do. He had always believed that things work out for the best. He certainly couldn't see that now, but you never know what life has in store for you.

He was definitely at a crossroads in his life. Pretty much everything that was important in his life a month ago was now gone – or soon would be. He had lost the woman that he loved, lost the police work that he loved, wouldn't be able to write any more Nikki Heat novels, that would just be too painful, and his daughter would soon be going off to college.

He felt incredibly alone and insecure. Richard Castle was insecure. That wasn't the image he projected – normally. It made him think of his youth. His mother was so busy with the theater, she had little time for him. He never knew who his father was, and that wounded him deeper than he would ever admit. He always felt so alone. Kids picked on him at school. He wasn't into sports. He felt like he never fit in. He developed defense mechanisms. He would deflect bullies with humor and sometimes outwit them. He learned how to fit in with all kinds of people. After all he was Martha Rogers' son so there was some acting blood in him and that was useful to transform his personality to fit in. He got a growth spurt in high school which further helped since bullies don't tend to pick on big kids. Then he discovered writing and having something that he was good at gave him confidence. Somehow he had to regain some of that confidence and rebuild his life.

Castle heard a text come in and looked at his phone. It was Beckett. She wanted to go out for drinks later and talk about what had happened with Gates. Castle was instantly angry. He finally felt like he was going to make a clean break and get the space he needed to get over her, and now in less than 2 hours time she was already pulling on the leash. Yeah, it felt like a choking leash.

"Can't," he texted back.

"Call me sometime?" she replied.

"Maybe in 3 months or so." He fired that off without thinking. Wow, this so wasn't him. He didn't try to hurt the people he cared about. He took a deep breath. He had to let the anger go. He had to try to work though the hurt. He couldn't be lashing out at people. He went and made himself a drink.

Beckett kept worrying about Castle after he left. She couldn't forget the sad look on his face. She had sent the boys out to track down a lead and now she was thinking about Castle again. She decided to text him. She wanted to help him, support him. Maybe if they talked about it he might feel better, and maybe they could come up with a plan to get him back in the precinct. She looked over at his chair. He had sat there for most of 4 years give or take a few months. She couldn't imagine him being gone permanently.

She texted him about drinks, but when she got his reply about calling her in 3 months she felt like he had punched her in the stomach. Tears started to well up in her eyes, and she hastily retreated to the restroom. Maybe he just wanted her to feel the way he did when she was hurt and she pushed him away. She felt miserable. He was hurting and she wanted to help him, but he wouldn't let her. She knew exactly how he felt now. When she was trying to recover from the gunshot wound, she thought it would be better if he didn't have to see her broken physically and mentally. If he had been around, maybe it would have confused their relationship. Back then all the excuses made sense to her. Now it was so plain how hurtful and confusing it must have been to him. Now those excuses seem so lame. Now maybe she had lost him forever.

* * *

Castle stood at the window looking out at the traffic below. Raindrops angrily pelted against the window, droplets running down the glass like tears. The weather seemed to match his mood. He swirled his drink a little before knocking it back. He was going to have to quit drinking so much. He needed to come up with a plan to get his life back on track.

Castle opened his computer, got into his word processer and clicked on the list button. He would list the things that were wrong in his life and list some possibilities for things he could pursue. It was actually somewhat comforting to sit at the computer ready to type something. He started on his list:

My problems:

1. Lost the love of my life

2. Lost the police work

3. Can't continue the Nikki Heat series

4. Alexis soon going off to college

What should I do?

1. Figure out another character for a book series

2. If Alexis goes to Stanford, I could move to California

3. Join a gym (maybe learn martial arts?)

4. Travel (alone – really?)

5. Shadow another law enforcement officer (how about a Texas ranger?)

6. Join the police academy (don't they have an officers school like West Point? lol)

7. Become a private eye

8. Go on Celebrity Apprentice

9. Try acting (he had had an offer a couple of years before)

He was randomly writing whatever popped into his head no matter how improbable. Then one more thing popped into his head.

10. Die

Castle had never thought about killing himself before. Life was too precious and if you weren't miserable once in a while how could you appreciate when you were really happy? If life had a fast forward button he would probably push it to get past this painful part though.

He sometimes wondered about his fascination with death. That's one of the reasons he wrote mystery novels. That's one of the reasons that he enjoyed the police work so much and didn't mind the crime scenes or the morgue. He was really intrigued with death showing up on his list. What if he really explored that option? Actually, he was getting a little excited about planning the ultimate murder – the murder of Richard Castle.


	3. Chapter 3

Castle leaned back in his chair. He had planned a lot of murders, but this was going to be fun. Since he was going to write this down it naturally had to have the right mix of truth with the fiction. What he would actually do if he were to commit suicide didn't figure into this story. For one thing, if he were doing it for real he would never kill himself at the loft because the last thing he would want would be for Mother or Alexis to discover his body.

For the story, it seemed fitting for him to die in his office surrounded by his books, but how should he do it? Suicide by cop would be pretty cool. He could go down in a hail of bullets from the SWAT team just like Butch and Sundance. He smiled at that thought. OK, fun to think about but doesn't fit the story.

He could shoot himself in the head. He suddenly shuddered at the thought of his mother cleaning up his blood and brains after his body was removed. No, that was out of the question.

Drown in the bathtub? How do people do that? Once his lungs were bursting for air he would just sit up. He had already tried freezing to death and that wasn't fun. It was pretty impractical for the office anyway. Hanging was definitely the way to go. It was an old standby but very effective. He leaned way back in his chair lacing his fingers behind his neck so he could examine the ceiling. It didn't seem like there was anything to hang from. He frowned as he looked around. No matter, his office will magically have a couple of open beams that he can toss the rope over.

Castle rubbed his hands together and with a smile started typing. A short time later his mother appeared in the doorway. Castle didn't even notice her. "Darling, you're working!" she exclaimed. "Why are you home so early?"

Castle looked up from his typing and gave her a smile. "Hello Mother. I will tell you all about it just a little later. I plan to make supper for us just as soon as I get done here. I shouldn't be too long."

A short time later Castle read over his completed story which ended in the graveyard. It was a sad, dismal tale of a life (his life) cut too short by total despair. As he finished reading it, he added in his head: "…and then his daughter stepped forward and spray painted a large 'L' on the coffin lid. Then everyone lived happily ever after except for the big loser in the grave. The End". He closed his laptop with a smile of satisfaction on his face. He had no idea that killing himself would be so cathartic!

Castle went out to the kitchen. Alexis was sitting on a barstool talking with his mother. He had a genuine smile on his face as he approached them. He put his arm across his daughter's shoulders and kissed her on the forehead. He really was a lucky man. Even if there were some rocky spots in his life, nobody's life was perfect and he certainly had more than most. He felt like he was already turning a corner and on his way to returning to his normal self.

"Dad," Alexis said, "Gram said you were going to cook and I am starving!"

"We can't have that!" Castle exclaimed, hurrying to the refrigerator.

As he cooked up the chicken and added a wine sauce, he told them about how Gates had banished him from the precinct. They were instantly concerned, but he told them it was OK. He actually felt good about being away from there and moving on with his life – even if he didn't know what he was moving on to. He didn't mention that Gates had left the door open for him to return.

* * *

Castle lay in bed that night. This was the hardest part of the day. He was alone with his thoughts. No matter what he thought about, it always worked back to Kate, his beautiful Kate. Visions of her played through his head constantly. He pictured her throwing her head back laughing gleefully. He pictured her bleeding out in his arms in the cemetery. He pictured her studying the murder board with her brow furrowed. He pictured her rolling her eyes at him. He felt like he had known her forever. There was so much joy and angst, life and death that defined their relationship. She had become a vital part of his life like water or air. They had been through more together than most couples would ever experience. Hell, how many times had they almost died together? Just how was he going to go on without her?

He glanced at the clock for what seemed like the hundredth time. It was just after 2 a.m. He sat up on the side of the bed raking a hand through his hair. He got up and made himself a drink. Then he leaned against the window frame staring into the darkness.

It had been a lot like this over the summer when she had pushed him away except then he thought she was with Josh. He never really thought they had a shot at being together. When they both returned to the precinct in the fall, he thought she wanted him to wait for her to work though her issues so they could be together. He waited and opened his heart and allowed himself to fall so deeply in love with her. He thought all along that she felt the same way. That she just needed more time. Finding out that she didn't feel the same way was devastating. He really thought he could continue to be her partner, but the hurt was just too raw. He tried to be aloof so he could build up some armor around his heart, but he came across as cold and sometimes mean. He tried to physically stay as far from her as he could so he wouldn't hurt her, but of course that hurt her, too.

In the daylight hours, he could will himself to make it through the day. He could use logic to tell himself life was good and make plans to get on with his life. But how could he make it through the nights? The emptiness was so overwhelming. It was more than emptiness, more than sadness. There was something very dark raging below the surface. It was like a black hole churning deep inside him, threatening to suck his whole being into it. Since sleep eluded him, he did whatever he could to get past it. The only thing he knew to try was to numb himself with alcohol. He made himself another drink and returned to the window.

Castle awoke around 8 that morning. He was lying across the foot of the bed. He didn't know exactly when he lay down but he knew it was sometime after 4:30. Alexis would have already gone to school. She was used to getting her own breakfast. Her dad often worked through the night when he had the right inspiration so this was nothing new.

He rubbed a hand across his face and groaned as he sat up. He finally pushed himself off the bed and made his way to the bathroom. He desperately needed a shower. He leaned his shoulder against the shower wall and just let the water rain down on him. It helped to wake him up, remove some of the cobwebs. He finally finished his shower and then shaved. The image staring back at him from the mirror was not a pretty sight. The dark circles under his eyes made him look old and haggard. It seemed like there were more lines in his face. He was almost surprised his hair wasn't gray. He looked as rough as he felt.

He didn't feel like breakfast so he sat down at his computer. There was an annoying dull ache behind his eyes. He opened up his suicide story and read through it. It didn't seem so fun now. There were no creative juices flowing in him now to buoy him up like when he wrote it. It was just a pathetic story about the pathetic end of his pathetic life. He opened up the list he wrote yesterday. It was pretty pathetic as well. If he was looking for inspiration for rebooting his life there wasn't much there.

Then he noticed the 'join a gym' item. Castle considered that option. He was more out of shape than he had ever been so joining a gym actually made a lot of sense. After all, he was over 40 now and certainly needed to take better care of himself. Besides that, it would probably feel great to punch something, and exercise just might help him sleep. It would also give him a new group of people to hang around. Above all he was looking for a distraction. Maybe he could plot a murder at a gym…

* * *

Martha breezed into the loft and went straight to Castle's office. "Richard?" she called but got no answer. She didn't think he had any plans today and figured he'd be working. She'd asked him at supper the night before what he was working on. She knew it wasn't Nikki Heat, but he had been very vague about it. She couldn't help herself. She opened up his laptop and clicked on the most recent document. It was a story called the Final Chapter. She started reading it. Soon there were tears streaming down her face. By the time she got to the end of the story she was struggling to hold the sobs in.

Castle arrived home about an hour later and headed to his office dropping his keys on his desk. Suddenly he realized his mother was sitting off to the side in one of the wing back chairs. He could tell instantly that she had been crying.

"Mother, what's wrong? Alexis?" He was by her side in an instant.

She shook her head, "Alexis is fine. It's you I'm worried about." Tears were forming in her eyes again.

"Me? I'm fine. What has happened?" Castle was extremely concerned now. He had rarely ever seen his mother cry so he knew this was very serious.

"I read your story, the Final Chapter. Oh Richard, I had no idea how deep your depression was. We can get you help," she said grabbing his hand.

Castle was horrified almost to the point of being speechless. Although finding your son's body after he committed suicide was probably the worst thing that could happen, the second worst thing would be finding his plan to commit suicide. "No, Mother! God no, I'm not going to commit suicide. I would never commit suicide. I was just writing a story. I just wanted to kill off Richard Castle on paper so I could start a new phase in my life." Castle was desperate to make her understand but his explanation sounded pretty thin even to him.

Martha shook her head. "It's not just a story. You've listed everything that's wrong in your life and you have everything planned out. You used your own name and our names. Richard you even have the date of your suicide in there."

Castle knelt in front of her and took her hands in his. "Mother, I have never lied to you." His mother gave him a look. "…about anything important. I promise you that I am not planning to commit suicide and I will never commit suicide." He looked her straight in the eyes so she could see for herself that he was being truthful.

She was studying him carefully. "Why would you write such a thing if you weren't considering it?"

Castle shrugged a little. "I knew my life had to move in a different direction. I thought if I wrote about the worst option that I had that it would put things in perspective. It worked too. I felt great after I wrote that, but I never intended for you or Alexis to see it." Castle stood up and helped his mother to her feet. He wrapped her in a hug. "I am so sorry, Mother. Please forgive me."

Martha held on to her son for a long while. She wanted to believe him so badly, but what if there was a chance that it was a real plan? He certainly seemed sincere in his denials. "OK, Kiddo," she said with a brave smile. "If you tell me everything is OK then I have to believe it."

That night Castle told his mother and Alexis about going to the gym and hiring a personal trainer. He had decided to give kick boxing a try, but he had also spent a couple of hours there just talking to people. He already knew quite a bit about the 2 girls working at the juice bar and had talked with the aerobics instructor while she was between classes. He even met a few of the members and had observed many more. As he described his day, he was well aware of how closely his mother was watching him.


	4. Chapter 4

Two days later Castle brought Chinese home for supper. "Sorry, guys, after today's session I don't think I could lift a pan to make dinner so I just stopped on the way home. I'm serious, Bart had me lifting weights today and my arms are now useless appendages just hanging from my shoulders."

"Are you sure you're not overdoing it Dad?" Alexis asked. "It's not like you ever exercised regularly before." She reached up and started to knead his shoulders. Castle winced and shied away from her touch.

"I have to admit every muscle in my body aches, but it will all be worth it when I look as good as Bart." Castle replied. Bart was his trainer. He really enjoyed working with Bart. He was funny but also was good at motivating. Castle was glad he started exercising. It gave him a purpose and he thoroughly enjoyed getting to know some of the other gym rats. He actually was sleeping a little better and had cut back some on the drinking.

Shortly after dinner, Martha stood up and said, "Well, I'm meeting a friend for drinks so I'll see you both later."

* * *

Beckett was curled up on her sofa, reading a book. She'd been on the same page for about a half hour as her thoughts kept turning to Castle. She wished she could figure out a way to get things back to normal. She just kept thinking about how he used to look at her and tease her and just always be there for her.

They had wrapped up the case at work and she was under no pressure. Tomorrow was Friday and she wasn't on call over the weekend. It felt good to have some stress free time to herself.

There was a soft knock at her door. She wasn't sure at first if it really was a knock. She sighed and as she headed to the door she heard another soft knock.

"Martha!" she exclaimed in surprise as she opened the door. "Is there something wrong?"

"I'm afraid there might be," Martha answered. She didn't know if this was the right thing to do, but she was desperate. She had always liked Kate, but she felt that Kate was hurting her son so it was difficult to come to talk to her.

"Come in," Kate said swinging open the door wider. "You can have a seat over there." She pointed to a comfortable chair by the couch. She thought Martha looked a tad pale. "Could I get you some tea or something?"

Martha shot her a look. "Do you have anything stronger?"

Beckett smiled, "I have wine. Would that be OK?" Martha nodded.

Kate brought the wine bottle and 2 glasses back to the couch. Whatever this conversation was about, she didn't think one glassful would be enough.

As Kate handed Martha her glass of wine she asked, "So what is going on?"

Martha took a drink of her wine before she began. "I'm afraid Richard is going to commit suicide."

Beckett almost dropped her glass. "No, I can't believe he would do that!" she protested. Even as she said that her mind was racing. The old Castle she knew would never commit suicide, but the Castle that was most recently at the precinct was a mystery to her. She immediately remembered the last time she saw him. He had that horrible sad, dejected look on his face and she remembered how she felt when he said goodbye with such finality. Doubts started creeping in. "Why do you think that?"

"Because he wrote about it. He wrote about how he'd lost everything important to him. He described it in detail. He wasn't writing about a generic suicide. He used his own name and our names. He never uses real people's names when he's writing fiction. Kate, he even mentioned the date."

Beckett's stomach was in knots. Her heart was pounding. She felt like she was being smothered with a pillow it was so hard to breathe. "When is it?"

"Saturday afternoon. Alexis and I are going to the theater. He has it all planned out." Martha's voice was getting shaky and she paused pressing her lips together trying to keep the tears from spilling out. "He doesn't want us to find his body so he is going to call 911 before he does it."

"Did you ask him about it?" Beckett couldn't imagine having that conversation with her son.

"Of course," Martha replied. "He said he was just writing a story and that he had no intention to go through with it. He was very convincing, but I'm still worried. I mean if he really meant to do it would he admit it to me?"

She took another drink then continued, "You know I was never much of a mother. I thought when you had a child you got a nanny and that was all there was to it. One thing Richard always kept from me was how he was doing. When he was in 7th grade he was bullied a lot. One day he came home with a torn shirt and I yelled at him. I found out much later he had been beaten up. He never let on. I guess he was beat up a lot. At the end of the school year, one of his teachers told me how wonderful it was that I was so supportive of my son. Richard had told him that I was always there for him and I had given him really good advice. The teacher said it was so clever of me to come up with some of schemes that Richard used to outwit the bullies. I don't know if Richard was just covering for me or creating a mother that he wished he had. After that I really tried to be there for him, but he still kept all the bad stuff from me. I guess that's why I'm so unsure now."

Both women seemed to be lost in their own thoughts for a while as they sipped on the wine. Martha finally looked at Beckett. "You know he loves you, Kate. He loves you but you don't even acknowledge it. You don't return his love and you don't tell him you're not interested. You just keep him in limbo, twisting in the wind. Richard is an open book to anyone that he cares about, but he's been walking on egg shells around you afraid if he's honest he'll scare you away or upset you." There was a single tear sneaking down Kate's cheek. "Kate, if he dies on Saturday, is there anything that you have left unsaid?"


	5. Chapter 5

Castle sat on his couch browsing through the newspaper. Today was D-day as in the day that he chose to die. Why did he have to write down a date? His leg was nervously bouncing up and down. He had tried to be as upbeat and happy as possible the last few days. It'd been exhausting. He wanted his mother to believe that there was nothing to worry about, but he figured at the last minute she would have a migraine or some other excuse not to go to the theater.

Finally, his mother and Alexis came down the stairs ready to go. Castle got up to walk them to the door. "You girls have a great time," he said giving each a little hug.

"And you behave yourself," his mother said adding extra meaning with her look.

Castle ushered them out the door and breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe his mother really believed him. He decided this was a great time for a drink.

Kate stood outside Castle's door. She had watched Martha and Alexis leave and now here she was. She surely hadn't ever been this nervous in her life. Her heart was already pounding. Would he be angry to see her? Would he even let her in? If he was really suicidal would she say the wrong thing? She kept fidgeting with her hair and trying to breathe. She wanted to run away but she couldn't. She finally knocked on the door.

Castle rolled his eyes sure his mother was returning having lost the tickets or getting that migraine. He threw the door open. "Kate," he said in surprise. Then his eyes grew wide. "OH…MY…GOD! My mother sent you!"

Kate nodded apologetically. "So I suppose Lanie is downstairs in case you were too late?" Castle asked dryly.

"Don't joke about it," Kate said.

Castle could see the pain in her eyes. She looked – what – scared? She definitely looked like she hadn't been sleeping much. He stepped aside and motioned her in. "OK, so how does this work? You text my mother every 15 minutes to let her know I'm still alive?"

"Something like that," Kate replied. This was going much better than expected and she was relaxing a little. Castle looked better than the last time she saw him at the precinct. He didn't seem depressed although she knew that depressed people who finally decide to commit suicide often seem much happier.

"Care for a drink? Wine?" he asked walking behind the kitchen counter.

"That would be nice," she replied, climbing on a barstool.

Castle poured her a glass then set it front of her. "First of all I need to apologize for the text I sent you. That 3 month crack was uncalled for so I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologize," Beckett replied although she was secretly pleased that he didn't mean it.

"So tell me about the case. Did the butler do it?" Castle asked.

Beckett rolled her eyes at him. He sounded like the old Castle but there was something in his eyes that didn't quite let the humor shine through. He seemed a little guarded. "Since there was no butler involved that wasn't a very good guess!" Beckett spent quite some time telling Castle about how the case unfolded and how they were able to wrap it up on Thursday. Castle interjected questions and comments throughout. Talking cases was definitely their comfort zone.

Castle told Beckett about how Alexis' college search was going. So far she'd been accepted at several colleges and Beckett could see how proud Castle was.

"I guess you're already caught up on how my mother is doing," Castle said pointedly. Beckett felt her cheeks warming up.

"You know, I was afraid you'd be really angry with me for coming here." Beckett said a little tentatively.

"You're here because you're concerned and you care. How could I be angry at that?" Castle said gently. "It couldn't have been easy for you to come here after how I'd acted at work." Castle didn't want to make it difficult on Beckett. He could only imagine how unsettling it was for her to hear of his suicide plan. Even if she didn't love him, they were still very close.

Beckett squirmed a little as an awkward silence fell between them. She was truly surprised at how easy he was making this, but still she just didn't know what to say. She wanted to say she was sorry and that she loved him but she didn't know how to begin or how to make him believe her.

"Why did you write that story?" she finally asked.

Castle sighed. "I wish I hadn't. Did you really believe I was going to kill myself?"

"Not at first, but then I remembered how different you were at the precinct the past couple of weeks and I felt like I didn't know you anymore. Then when Martha told me about the story you wrote using real names and dates and details, I got really scared." Kate said honestly.

"I wrote it because I'm a writer letting off steam like you might go to the firing range to let off steam. I actually enjoyed doing it. I didn't think about the consequences it could have." He paused then leaned on the counter looking directly into her eyes. God she was beautiful. "So you've been studying me for quite a while now. Just like you study a suspect. What do you think now?"

Beckett's cheeks flushed. She felt like his blue eyes could look right through her. She had been studying him since she arrived looking for a sign that he was desperate or resigned. "I still can't believe you would kill yourself, but I'm not positive. Tell me yourself that you won't do it."

"Beckett, I will not commit suicide." Castle said matter-of-factly, looking her in the eyes. He paused for several seconds then added, "I see you aren't convinced."

Castle stood up and polished off his drink. "I can prove to you that it was only a story and not a plan. Beckett, you're the best detective I know. If you examine the crime scene and the evidence you can prove to yourself that I'm not planning suicide."

"OK," Beckett said with a smile always up for a challenge.

Castle led her into his office and opened up his laptop and then froze. "What's the matter?" Beckett asked.

"Maybe this isn't such a good idea," he said remembering his mother's reaction. He was also thinking about how he had described exactly how he felt about Kate. That she was the love of his life and how devastated he was to lose her. Normally he was very open about his feelings, but he always held back from Kate because she was like a deer in the headlights when someone expressed love for her. She already knew he loved her. He guessed it couldn't hurt now for her to know the extent of his feelings.

"Why? You thought it was a great idea just a minute ago." Kate said somewhat exasperated.

"I'm afraid it will upset you if you read it."

"Castle, I investigate homicides for crying out loud." Beckett said but she was unsure about how she would handle reading about his suicide.

"OK, I will leave it up to you, but if you decide to read it you have to remember it is just a story. I was intentionally trying to make it really hopeless and pathetic." Castle said not at all sure he was doing the right thing.

"Well, if it proves that you aren't really planning to kill yourself then I want to read it." Beckett said. She truly hoped she could see it as a story. Since Martha's visit she worried constantly about Castle's impending death and even if he wasn't really going to kill himself, she was concerned about his mental health for even writing about it. She couldn't help but think she was responsible for the dark emotions that were propelling him toward thinking about ending his life.

Castle opened up the file for her. Then he started nervously pacing the room, his eyes never leaving her face. It didn't seem like she was even breathing. Then her eyes were swimming with tears. Castle rubbed his forehead. Why did he let her read it? He was such an idiot. She finally got to the end and hastily wiped the tears off her cheeks.

"Are you alright? I'm sorry I shouldn't have let you read it." He wanted to hug her but he couldn't.

She looked up at him, her eyes still glistening and said a little choked, "That was hard to read." She took a deep breath then smiled at him, "But I know that it is just a story."

Castle smiled warmly back at her, relieved that she was such a good detective. He loved how smart she was. It was just one of many things he loved about her. "OK, Detective Beckett, what gave it away?"

"The main thing is that there are no beams in your office. How are you going to hang yourself? Besides that, what self respecting, world famous author would commit suicide without writing his own epitaph?"

Castle grinned with the old twinkle in his eye. "You didn't even need the murder board to figure it out." He really missed working cases with her.

He couldn't believe she even mentioned the epitaph. He had thought about coming up with one, but in his mind it would have made the story too real. He never thought anyone else would even think about it. Of course he wasn't intending for anyone else to ever read it.

Her eyes were searching his. "You never really considered killing yourself, did you?"

Castle shook his head, "No, I didn't. Every day is a gift, but once I wrote that story – or rather once someone else read it - it wasn't something I could undo. There wasn't anything I could say or do to truly convince my mother that there was absolutely no truth in it. I'm sorry she dragged you into it too." Castle hesitated. "I did have several dark days, but it really helped to shed some of that darkness into a story. I didn't mean for it to bring pain to others."

"I'm glad your mother came to me, it really opened my eyes, but I wish you could have talked to me yourself."

Rick opened his mouth to speak but Beckett raised her hand to cut him off.

"I want you to hear me out. I have some things that I need to tell you, and if you had died today I would have lost my chance forever. I'm sorry about last summer. When you sent me that text about calling me in 3 months I realized how bad you must have felt last summer. I just wasn't thinking about it from your point of view, that I was shutting you out. I thought I needed to recover on my own, to pull myself together and start healing physically and emotionally before I could let someone else into my life."

Kate looked down at the floor for a moment, but bravely raised her eyes to his. "I was wrong. I realize that now. Castle, I've also been seeing a therapist. I'm trying to work through my issues so that I can have a relationship without sabotaging it because of my insecurities and fears."

Castle nodded, "You deserve a healthy relationship. I'm glad you're getting help. Is it working? "

Beckett drew in a deep breath and nodded. Wow, he still wasn't getting it. "Rick, I remember when you said you loved me in the cemetery when I was shot. When you first asked me about it I was afraid to talk about it. I was still with Josh and I just didn't know how to deal with it so I lied. Later…," she dropped her head briefly, "I was wrong not to tell you later. I don't have a good excuse. I just kept thinking there would be a right time."

"I understand," Castle said. It's a lot easier to tell someone 'I love you too' than it is to say 'sorry, I don't love you'. He really did understand. "It's OK," he said.

"No! You don't understand!" Beckett exclaimed her eyes flashing, suddenly angry. How could he be so dense? "I love you!" Her hand flew to her mouth. She was appalled that it came out that way, all angry and loud. Castle just looked at her with his mouth open unable to process this new information. Beckett got her voice under control and said, "Rick, I love you. I love you so much it scares the shit out of me."

"Kate, are you serious? I was sure you didn't love me." He quickly covered the distance between them. He cupped her face in his hands and stared into her eyes for several seconds wanting to make sure this was true. He could see the warmth and love in her eyes. He smiled at her with the customary spark in his eyes. "You've made me a very happy man." He bent down and pressed his lips against hers. Her lips were soft and yielding. His hand slid down her back and he pressed her body closer to his. Every nerve ending was lighting up. Her arms went around his neck, one hand running through his hair. His gentle kiss became more demanding. Their tongues touched and danced together. Finally they came up for air. They were both breathless. Rick just wanted to pick her up and carry her to his bedroom, but he knew his mother and Alexis would be back at any time. There would be plenty of time for that later. Kate looked up at Rick. He had a goofy, happy grin on his face. Kate just laughed at him.

"Come on. We can wait on the couch for them to return. We'll have to show Mother that I made it through the day."


End file.
